The Conversation

I’ve been feeling the creative bug lately, so I wanted to share some writing in the hopes it will motivate me to ‘keep on keepin’ on.’ To kick things off, here’s a piece I wrote after the 10-day (silent!) Vipassana meditation retreat I attended a couple of years ago.

If you know me, it might be hard to imagine me not talking for 10 whole days (but that part was surprisingly easy!). I also went into it with zero meditation experience. It was absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but two years later, I still feel like it benefits me every day (and was especially good training in terms of being a new mama!). I hope to do another one in a few years. You can read more about my experience here.

So without further ado (even though it’s scary to share poetry!), here it is…

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The Conversation

Sit, sit, sit.

A thin cushion between me and the floor.

Sit, sit, sitting.

I chose this.

I hear the cars drive by on the highway below.

So free.

10 days I’ve chosen. To meditate.

It’s not a prison if you signed up for it.

So, what is it to be free?

Trapped only in the spirals of my mind.

No words but my own to hear.

No conversations to have except the ones between me, and me.

Sit, sit, sit.

My knees hurt. My back hurts. I hate this. What if someone with a gun came in right now. What if there aren’t any bananas left at lunchtime. Wow, my mind is a monkey.

And we sit, sit, sit.

All together but alone.

I guess enlightenment is itchy.

I guess acceptance is a hot, sweaty room.

(I was hoping it was more like an air conditioned oversized couch.)

It hurts to become.

I can hear the stomach gurgles of the girl in front me.

I’m D5. She’s C5.

I wonder what her name is. I wonder if she’s worried about the bananas too.

No eye contact, no conversation, but I know these people.

10 days of sitting in the muck, side by side.

Alone, but together.

Loneliness is a chamber inside of me.

It is me and me alone.

So I sit.

With me.

I am the only conversation.

I am the words. I am the message. I am the interpretation. I am the other.

“I” am everything and nothing.

I honestly didn’t know that itches will eventually just go away.

What else will go away if I let it be?

My thoughts are clouds. I watch them go.

There is only one conversation.

And I’m only now starting to have it.

 ————————————————————————————————————————————-

If you are interested in Vipassana, you can look into it here (and feel free to reach out if you have any questions). The courses are totally free to attend (even your accommodations and food are provided) and they are offered year-round in centers around the world (including several in Canada). 

Thanks for reading!

❤ Kailea

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